Begin again
by stanathankatic
Summary: TW: self-harm, some swearing. "She didn't think it would get addictive, she didn't think that thirteen years later she would still spend nights in her bathroom crying as the blood trickled down her skin." Set sometime in season four, pre 47 seconds.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **Hi, okay, this is my first fanfic and I don't have a beta so a) if it sucks, I'm sorry, and b) if anyone wants to edit this for me, feel free to let me know!

Disclaimer: I am a 17 year old girl who works at McDonalds... I (sadly) do not own Castle

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><p>She doesn't quite know how she got here, sitting on the floor of her bathroom, in just her underwear, with her back against the white tile walls, a blade pressed into the flesh of her right hip. Today had been an easy day for her, so she really had no reason to be here. But regardless, she was. She's been here more and more often in the past months and she always tells herself she shouldn't be there, she has no reason. She's lying to herself though; of course she has a reason.<p>

It started when her mom had first died. She had to find some way to release all the pain she was feeling. She didn't think it would get addictive, she didn't think that thirteen years later she would still spend nights in her bathroom crying as the blood trickled down her skin. Yet here she is.

She had stopped for a while, around seven years, and she was proud of herself for that, for how far she had come. She had restarted a few years ago, but even then it had just been a few hiccups every once in a while. After the shooting, however, she just had a constant, burning need to cut. She lied to herself, saying it had been the extensive trauma she went through that had led her to begin self harming again, but she knew that wasn't what it was. She had faced brushes with death before, and honestly, she wasn't really that scared of dying. She knew that being shot alone couldn't cause her spiral back down to where she was, but she knew that the trauma paired with a certain mystery writer confessing his love for her potentially could.

It wasn't that she didn't love him too, of course she did, but she was so fucking messed up there was no way he could really love her. He had no idea how screwed up she was. She had to fix herself before anything could happen between them. But she couldn't, she tried, she went to therapy three times a week, but she just couldn't. So instead she spent countless nights here, attempting to ease the pain of reality.

After what seems like forever, maybe an hour, she decides that it would probably be a good idea to clean up. She begins by washing her cuts, the worst part of her little ritual, when there's a knock at the door. _Shit._

She does her best to bandage her fresh cuts and quickly washes the blades in the sink. She tosses the towel in the garbage, deciding she can't be bothered with it right now, as she quickly throws on some loose sweats and a t-shirt.

The knock is persistent and she finds herself getting mildly annoyed. She throws the door open and, of course, she finds Castle on the other side.

"Beckett, hi," he says nonchalantly. "Can I come in?"

"Castle," she gives him a small smile. "Uh, yeah, sure. What are you doing here?"

"I was just coming by to ask you if yo- wait, Beckett, are you okay?" he asks looking down, _yeah, why wouldn't I be okay?_ And that's when she notices. She must not have applied the bandages tight enough or somehow stretched the cuts too much because when she looks down she realizes she bleeding through her shirt.

"Oh, um, yeah, I must have scratched myself or something?" She really didn't mean for that to come out as a question and by the look he's giving her she knows that there's no way in hell he's buying it.

"Kate-" she doesn't let him finish whatever he was planning to say.

"No, Ri- Castle, I'm fine, trust me, I'm fine." She turns her back on him and walks towards her living room in attempt to get away from him, even just temporarily.

"Kate, let me look." Was he being serious? Even if she had just scratched herself accidentally, did he really expect her to let him help?

"Castle, no, I'm fine." She says with a small laugh, hoping maybe he would believe her.

"Kate, please, what's going on?"

"I- I'll be right back."

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><p><strong>AN: **So, I have a few ideas on where I want to take this story, if you have any suggestions please feel free to let me know!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Chapter 2**

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><p><strong>AN:** Hi guys! Thank you so much for the reviews and I'm going to take what you say into consideration! Sorry for making the chapters quite short, but it allows for quicker updates! I still don't have a beta so all mistakes are mine (Sorry!). I work all night tonight and have school and work all tomorrow so I likely won't be able to update until the weekend.

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><p><em>"I- I'll be right back."<em>

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><p>Kate walks, in a somewhat composed manner, to her room, shuts the door and slides to the floor as she begins to cry. <em>Shit, shit, shit<em>. She had no plan as to what would happen if someone, especially Rick, were to catch her. Up until now no one had noticed. Not her dad, not Lanie, not even her ex-boyfriends. She'd always cut in places where she could easily hide or explain them if necessary. She'd always done it when she knew nobody would catch her. _Shit._

"Okay Kate, get it together." She whispers to herself. She has options. She can bandage them up and act like nothing happened and hope he'll let it go... No, that won't work, it's Castle, he'd never leave her alone… She can tell him everything, hope he won't hate her, hope that he'll maybe still love her. If she tells him maybe he'll help her reach a place where she can admit her love right back to him. _Dammit Kate,_ she thinks to herself, _That won't work. He'll see how broken you are and run as fast as he can._

It's then that she hears Rick calling her name.

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><p>It's been ten minutes and Kate still hasn't returned so Rick decides to give up his waiting on the couch and go check on her. He walks towards the hallway she went down and realizes he's never actually been in this part of her apartment before. Sure, he's come to see her here, but he's never made it past the kitchen and living room. He sees three doors and assumes the first, and smallest, leads to a closet. He moves on to the next door and decides to test it.<p>

"Kate?" No reply. "Beckett, are you okay?" he puts his ear against the door to see if he can hear anything, but has no luck.

Rick moves towards the end of the hall and knocks on the door. "Kate, are you okay?"

"Uh, yeah, one second," Rick can hear shuffling coming from the room along with a few deep breaths and a few moments later he sees Kate opening the door. "Okay, yeah, come in."

Did Katherine Beckett just invite him into her bedroom? Rick decides he won't question it and walks through the door she's holding open for him. She sits down on her bed and pats the spot beside her, inviting him to join. As he sits down and looks at her and sees that her eyes are puffy and red; she's been crying. He has no idea how to comfort her without having her pull away from him, so he just places his hand above her knee, gives it a squeeze, and then waits.

She looks up at him, allowing their eyes to meet, and it's then that she realizes what she has to do.

"Castle, I-" where does she start? I'm cutting myself because I don't know how to handle my feelings for you? She wishes now she had prepared, or at least thought out, what she was going to say to him. Kate takes a deep breath and continues. "When I was nineteen, when my mom died, I didn't know how to handle it. I was so young and while all of my friends where out partying, I was sitting alone in my dorm, crying, looking for something to ease the pain of losing my mother. I had tried going out, taking my mind off of her death, but I always ended up ruining everyone's fun. They never said anything about it, but I could sense it. It's not like I was really having a good time anyways, so I just thought it would be best to stay home. It was then that I-" She takes another breath, tries to calm herself, not wanting any more tears to slip loose. "It was then that I began to cut myself."

Kate continues telling him how that had lasted for a few years, how it had stopped when she had graduated from the academy, when her dad was beginning to recover. She mentioned the relapses she had faced over the years and finally she mentioned how she had begun again after her shooting. She contemplated telling him that it was partially due to him, but she knew admitting that wouldn't help anyone.

Rick pulled Kate into his arms, held onto her so tightly that she almost couldn't breathe. In that moment Kate wished he would hold her like that forever.

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><p><strong>AN: **please leave your thoughts in the reviews! Thanks again!


	3. Chapter 3

_Rick pulled Kate into his arms, held onto her so tightly that she almost couldn't breathe. In that moment Kate wished he would hold her like that forever._

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><p>"Oh, Kate," he whispered into her hair as he hugged her. He had no intentions of letting her go ever again. "Kate, I'm so sorry, I didn't know."<p>

"Rick, no," Kate mumbled into his shoulder, then pulling back enough for him to be able to hear her. "No one has ever noticed before, I've always been good at hiding it."

Rick pulled her in tighter and kissed her scalp. He can't believe he had never noticed this before. Even without seeing the scars, he can't believe he didn't see how much she was hurting. He spent his days watching her, analyzing her, and he had no idea.

"Do you think you can stop?"

"I can always stop," Kate let out a breath. "I'm not sure I want to."

This is how she dealt with things. Her father had turned to alcohol and she had turned to this. Kate knew she could stop, if she tried, but she doesn't have any other coping mechanisms, this is all she's ever had.

Rick repositioned them so he could look at her.

"Hey," he says gently. "You can do this Kate. I know it will be hard but you've done it before. Only this time you'll have someone here to help you every step of the way. Okay?"

He's going to help her. He's going to stay with her no matter what because, well, he loves her.

"Okay," She replies with a watery smile. "Do you mind if we drop this for a bit and hang out?"

"I would love nothing more." Rick replies. "I'll be in the kitchen."

"Great, I'm just going to, um, clean up, I'll be out in a few."

"I'll get us something to eat." He offers as he turns to leave the room.

Kate grabs a new shirt and goes to the bathroom to assess herself. She applies new bandages to her hip and quickly washes her face. God, she has no idea how she got so lucky with Rick. Now she just needs to tell him how she feels… She can think about that later, now all that matters is spending time with her wonderful partner.

"Hey, what are we eating?" She asks as she enters the kitchen.

"I didn't know what you wanted to eat, so I ordered a variety; we've got Italian, Chinese, and Mexican on the way." Rick replied with a smile.

"Castle, I think I would have been fine with whatever you ordered," Kate teases. "But thank you, that's really sweet."

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><p>Once the food arrived the conversation flowed easily. Kate knew that Rick would bring up their earlier conversation again, but she was glad that they could act as they did normally. Well, almost as they did normally. He was treating her as though she was more fragile than before, but it wasn't something she completely hated. It was causing him to touch her more; brush his hand with hers, place his hand on her back as he passed by her, just little things, but it was nice.<p>

They spent the rest of the night simply watching movies and talking about whatever came to their minds.

It was now two in the morning and he was asleep, on top of her no less, because she refused to let him leave before whatever movie they were watching was over. Truth be told, she had no idea what they were watching, she didn't really care, all she cared about was having him close to her. The movie had ended twenty minutes prior and he was starting to wake up.

"Hey sleepyhead," Kate said teasingly as Rick was opening his eyes. "Have a nice nap?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry about that," He replied, his voice rough with sleep. "I guess I should get going."

"Stay?" She came across more needy than she had planned, but maybe that would convince him.

"Kate-" He knew this wasn't a good idea. She was vulnerable and he was in love with her. He knew he couldn't let anything happen, but if she tried anything, god it would be hard to resist her.

"Please, will you just-" She takes a shaky breath. "Will you just hold me tonight?"

"Yeah, okay," Rick sighed, there was no way he could say no to her. He stands up from the couch and grabs her hand. "Let's go to bed, Kate."

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><p><strong>AN: **Hi, I posted this chapter on friday but I took it down about 20 minutes later because I was really unhappy with it. I rewrote this chapter a few times and I think I'm happy with it now. Sorry for the long wait, but I've started the next chapter and it should be up by the middle of the week! ALSO thank you to the lovely Ellen Outlaw for editing and giving me her opinion on this chapter! Feel free to leave reviews and let me know what you think!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Hey! So sorry about the long length of time since the last update, I've had school and I've been working a lot so when I did have free time it was mostly spent sleeping/on netflix, it (hopefully) won't happen again! I work monday/tuesday after school, but I have the rest of the week off, so I should have the next chapter up sometime this week. Feel free to follow/fave/review! Love you all x

_"Please, will you just-" She takes a shaky breath. "Will you just hold me tonight?"_

_"Yeah, okay," Rick sighed, there was no way he could say no to her. He stands up from the couch and grabs her hand. "Let's go to bed, Kate."_

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><p><em>So, <em>Rick thought to himself as he woke up, _Katherine Beckett is a cuddler._ He stretches slightly to look at the clock and sees that it's not even four-thirty then pulls Kate in even tighter. She lets out a small sigh but doesn't wake. _Good, she needs her sleep._ He can't believe that he never noticed what she was going through. He had assumed that she was struggling with being shot, but he had no idea that it had been to this extent.

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><p>Kate rolls over and sees that he bed is empty. It's almost seven and she vaguely remembers that Rick stayed the night. That did happen right? She decides against worrying about her partner's whereabouts and decides that she's going to walk to the kitchen to start some coffee. She gets out of bed only to realize she's only in her underwear, <em>when did that happen?, <em>so she throws on some shorts and a two-sizes-two-large NYPD sweatshirt before walking to the kitchen.

She sees him as she enters; he's making coffee and something on the stove, what he's making though, she has no idea, as she's pretty sure her fridge is empty. She could get used to this picture, Rick wearing boxers and a tee, standing in her kitchen, maybe his, making breakfast, her sitting on a stool, staring at him. That would be nice, maybe someday it will be a regular occurrence.

"Morning," Rick startles and turns around to see Kate standing there. "I didn't know I had any food here, what are you making?"

"Oh, uh yeah, you didn't," Rick lets out a small laugh, "I woke up a while ago and couldn't get back to sleep so I just ran down to the corner store and picked up a few things."

"Wearing that?" Kate references to his boxers, a grin forming on her face.

"Huh?" Rick looks down and realizes his lack of pants and feels a heat rise to his cheeks. "Oh, yeah, shit, sorry I spilled some coffee on my pants while I was, uh, making this."

"It's fine, Castle," Kate replies looking amused. _Why is he so cute? _"Where are they? I'll just throw them in the wash."

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><p>They spent the remainder of the morning sitting in Kate's kitchen, talking about various subjects – anything from the precinct to Martha's newest project – when Kate brought up the fact that she was lacking some of her clothing this morning.<p>

"Right, well you fell asleep on me on the couch, and I thought, 'hey, that's probably uncomfortable?' so –"

"I was wearing sweat pants a sweatshirt, Rick." She arched an eyebrow and gave him an amused smile.

"Wait, you aren't mad?" In all honesty, Rick was pretty sure once she realized he had undressed her, even if it were fully, well mostly, innocent, he would be shot within a minute.

"Well, you did just want me to be comfortable, right?" She really didn't mind. In fact, she was kind of glad he did it. She does, however, wish that she were awake for the first time Rick were to undress her, and that she'd be able to return the favour. But that will happen. Soon.

"Right," He said with a smile, _is this real life?_, although his face became serious once again when he began his next thought, "But Kate, I saw the scars, all of them, I-I had no idea it was that bad."

She looks down at the floor then. Shit. She really hadn't expected for him to learn the extent of her problem, not right away at least. When she had told him about it earlier she had mentioned how long it had been going on, and that she'd relapsed on multiple occasions, but she never mentioned how bad it had really gotten. She made it seem like this recent relapse was ongoing, but had only happened a few times, not that it was something she was doing every other night, and had been doing for the past four months. Did he realize how many of the scars were fresh? What had actually caused them? No, he couldn't have. It would have been dark, they would have been hard to see, plus he had no reason to believe that she was lying to him about the cause. He had no reason to believe that she would ever lie to him about anything. Well, anything other than this.

"Kate," She looked up at him then, nervous and not too sure what to expect. "It's okay, can you just tell me the truth about what's going on? Please?"

"I didn't lie about that Rick."

"I know that, but you didn't tell me the full truth, so can you just do that, please? If you don't tell me everything, I can't help you."

Maybe she should tell him the truth… about everything. Maybe she should tell him about all the scars, their stories, but also the truth about his confession, the fact that she loves him too. She knows, well thinks, that he won't run. He's still here isn't he? He hasn't showed any signs that he's going to run off at her next confession, so maybe she should tell him, maybe she should just lay it all out on the table.

"I know." That's all she says, in a shaky voice filled with nerves.

"That I can't help you without the truth?"

"No, well, yes, but Rick, I _know._"

He looks up at her then.

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><p>an: Let me know what you think! x


	5. Chapter 5

_"I know." That's all she says, in a voice shaky with nerves._

_"That I can't help you without the truth?"_

_"No, well, yes, but Rick, I know." _

_He looks up at her then._

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><p>"What do you know, Kate?" He really didn't need to ask, but it was always safer to clarify than assume, especially with her.<p>

"I remember, Castle," Kate takes a breath. "I remember what you said to me the day of the shooting. I lied because, well, I was scared. I was a coward and I lied and ran instead of facing everything head on. For that, I'm sorry Castle."

She was no longer looking at him, her eyes now focused on a speck of dirt on the floor near his feet. Maybe she should have sorted out what she was going to say first.

"So you don't feel the same." Castle said, more to himself than to her, but she picked up on it and responded immediately.

"Castle, no," Kate whispered as she stood up and walked towards him, placing herself so she was stood between his legs. "Castle, I didn't lie because I didn't love you back, I lied because I did, because I do." He looked up and he then and she took the opportunity bend down, making herself level with him, and place her hands on his shoulders. "Rick, I love you. I'm in love with you, and I have been since long before the shooting. I was scared. Not necessarily of you loving me, but of the version of me that you loved. I was, well, I am, a mess, and I thought once you realized how fucked up I was you would run. I thought that I needed to become the woman you fell in love with, the woman you thought I was, instead of the woman that I currently am. I needed to fix myself before I could start anything. I've been trying, going to therapy a few times a week, but I haven't gotten much better, and honestly I don't know if I will. But Rick I don't want to lie to you anymore so if you'll forgive me, I would like nothing more than to prove how much I love you."

Kate searched his eyes then leaned in slowly, closed her eyes and pressed her lips to his. The kiss was only short and she began to pull away Rick brought his hands up to her face and pulled her back in. The kiss was intense and full of all the feelings they had been harbouring for the past few years.

They kissed for a while and when he finally pulled away, Rick held Kate in his arms and he began to talk. "Kate, no, you are the woman I fell in love with," She pulled back a bit and looked at him in confusion. "Kate, I didn't fall in love with you because you were strong or unrelenting or whatever else you seem to think I love about you. I love you for who you are, not what you are."

"Rick, I'm a mess, I lied to you, I've put your life at risk on multiple occasions. Why are you still here?" Kate let out a breath, she really didn't deserve this. After everything she put him through he should be long gone, but he's still here, still holding onto her, and she has no idea why.

"You were shot, you almost died, I don't expect you to just come back and be the same person you were before. I don't expect you to act as though nothing had happened and just continue with your life. As for you putting my life at risk, I think we both know that nine times out of ten I am the reason we're in danger." He finished with a small smile. "Now, Kate, what do you say I go home, let you enjoy your day off, and then pick you up tonight at seven for a date?"

"Sounds great, Castle," Kate smiled. "Just one thing…"

"Hm?"

"Just need another kiss babe."

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><p><strong>AN:** Next chapter will be longer, I promise. I just wanted this little part to stand alone. Have the weekend off so should get an update quite soon! x


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